In My Rear-View Mirror

Sometimes you have to fall back to spring ahead. That's the theme of my life right now. Though I'm trying to move forward, there are times when moments in my rear-view mirror distract me from the present. For instance, in the days leading up to today I couldn't get my mind off him.

A year ago today I ended my first real relationship. At the end of summer he admitted he had a crush on me. I was reluctant to agree to go out with him at first since (a) we worked together and (b) he had 2 kids. After thinking it over and talking to a long-time friend I decided to go for it since (a) I was quitting and (b) I had never been in a real relationship EVER. While we "dated" for almost 3 months, I was getting more and more work at my new job and barely had time for myself, let alone anyone else. Even though I knew he understood I was super-busy, I didn't want to turn into that girl who deserts her boyfriend for work so I decided to call it quits. Of course, that was just one minuscule reason. My chief (yet oft buried) reason was I didn't how to tell my mom about him. Just thinking about her reaction to her daughter seeing a guy with 2 kids and a semi-shady past freaked me the fuck out. So I dumped him via Gchat a year ago today out of 80% anxiety and 20% exhaustion. I cried for about 5-10 minutes then I got right back to work. For the first couple of days I regretted my decision, but after 3 weeks I realized I was fine and had made the right decision for me. Looking back now I don't regret anything with him because the experience allowed me to learn a lot about myself in relation to other people.

Wherever he is now I wish him well. I just hope I didn't leave him feeling betrayed by someone he really liked. The last thing I want to be is that girl who ruined him for the next girl. Then again we are all responsible for our own happiness, and no I'm not just saying that to ease some of the responsibility off my shoulders. I truly believe that although outside forces can influence your feelings, ultimately how you react is up to you. Either you let something get to you, or you use it as fuel to move forward. Like I said before, sometimes you have to fall back to spring ahead. For the first time in a long time I finally feel ready to burn rubber. #forward2012