I Wanna Be Free

It's Thanksgiving Day. Feels so good to have a day off. I've been working 6 days a week for the past 2 months, and I need a break. I've been running my body down and I've gotten sick twice in the past few weeks. Probably doesn't help that my stress/anxiety levels are off the charts since I'm trying to train the new girl and it's not going smoothly at all so I'm pulling my hair out again. Not good. I just want to sleep and have time to be selfish for once and take time for myself.

Right now I'm longing for freedom ... freedom to just sleep late, go places, meet new people, learn a couple new skills, read a friggin' book. I just want to start a revolution, though I'm not entirely sure what that entails just yet. I guess as I get closer to turning 25 next year, I feel the need to get more introspective and feel like I'm really doing something with my life and not just slaving away at a 9-6 to pay the bills. I want to put something inspiring out into the world, not just sit around being inspired by others. I feel like a lot of twenty-somethings feel the same way. Everyone's trying to do something ... express themselves, create something to share with the world. Maybe that's why social media's so huge right now. Everyone just wants to be somebody. 

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to continue watching "Magic Mike" then see "Skyfall" tonight. Happy Thanksgiving. Be grateful and shit.

In My Rear-View Mirror

Sometimes you have to fall back to spring ahead. That's the theme of my life right now. Though I'm trying to move forward, there are times when moments in my rear-view mirror distract me from the present. For instance, in the days leading up to today I couldn't get my mind off him.

A year ago today I ended my first real relationship. At the end of summer he admitted he had a crush on me. I was reluctant to agree to go out with him at first since (a) we worked together and (b) he had 2 kids. After thinking it over and talking to a long-time friend I decided to go for it since (a) I was quitting and (b) I had never been in a real relationship EVER. While we "dated" for almost 3 months, I was getting more and more work at my new job and barely had time for myself, let alone anyone else. Even though I knew he understood I was super-busy, I didn't want to turn into that girl who deserts her boyfriend for work so I decided to call it quits. Of course, that was just one minuscule reason. My chief (yet oft buried) reason was I didn't how to tell my mom about him. Just thinking about her reaction to her daughter seeing a guy with 2 kids and a semi-shady past freaked me the fuck out. So I dumped him via Gchat a year ago today out of 80% anxiety and 20% exhaustion. I cried for about 5-10 minutes then I got right back to work. For the first couple of days I regretted my decision, but after 3 weeks I realized I was fine and had made the right decision for me. Looking back now I don't regret anything with him because the experience allowed me to learn a lot about myself in relation to other people.

Wherever he is now I wish him well. I just hope I didn't leave him feeling betrayed by someone he really liked. The last thing I want to be is that girl who ruined him for the next girl. Then again we are all responsible for our own happiness, and no I'm not just saying that to ease some of the responsibility off my shoulders. I truly believe that although outside forces can influence your feelings, ultimately how you react is up to you. Either you let something get to you, or you use it as fuel to move forward. Like I said before, sometimes you have to fall back to spring ahead. For the first time in a long time I finally feel ready to burn rubber. #forward2012

From A Healthy Perspective

Body image. Lately I feel like that's all I think about.

Growing up I was always one of the tallest kids in class. Even now I stand 5'8" while most of my friends are petite and tower between 4'10" and 5'3". A few months ago I dropped about 20 pounds due to financial hardship, but I was totally excited about my smaller frame. Then as I left my financial hardship behind, I slowly started gaining back most of the weight and was totally disappointed I couldn't remain that size. All of a sudden I was overthinking about everything I ate. Should I eat this? Should I eat less of this? Should I avoid this all-together? I was becoming that girl and driving myself nuts. Then I just stopped thinking about food and ate whatever the hell I wanted. I'm much happier now that I've regained my lost curves.

Over the weekend I was calculating my BMI for some unknown reason. When I had lost weight I was around 120 pounds. Turns out that's actually under weight for my 5'8" frame while my current 145 lb. figure is in the normal range. So now I'm happy once again with my body, but I'm nervous that those models who are taller than me and in the 120 range aren't just "naturally thin". Fashion spreads just got a lot less fun for me to look at.

Appearance-wise, caring about what I looked like was never really a big thing for me. I'm a proud carrier of curves, and I don't try and hide them. Makeup-wise I'm more of a Plain Jane, though I never leave home without lipstick like my mama.

This leads me to my next point. I've been dealing with trichotillomania for half my life. For those of you who have no idea what that is, basically it's a hair-pulling disorder. Since I was 12 I've found that I pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows till there's nothing left. Other people who have trich may pull out the hair on their head too. I'm not entirely sure why I started pulling, but I think it was just an odd coping mechanism I developed like how some bite their nails (sidebar: I did used to bite my nails up until a few years ago as well).

Walking around without eyebrows and eyelashes for the past dozen years has been a bit unnerving and makes me very self-conscious at times. It's not a common thing, and most people who have it often feel alone. If you go on Tumblr right now and search for "trichotillomania" you'll find a bunch of girls who feel helpless and annoyed that they can't make themselves just stop. I've tried to stop a lot of times ... 12 years ago, 11 years ago, 10 years ago, 9 months ago, 8 weeks ago, 7 days ago, 6 hours ago, 5 minutes ago ... but it's an ongoing battle that's difficult to combat.

What I've come to realize about my own battle with trich is stress has been a major trigger for me. Since my preteen years I've gone through a lot of stress with various family situations that have arisen and lasted all the way through my college undergrad years and even my first few post-grad years. Now that things finally seem to be working out for me, in the back of my mind I feel like something's bound to go wrong since something always has. It's like I can't accept I'm okay now so I'm feeling on edge and can only calm myself down by pulling, only that only makes me more stressed because everything's supposed to be okay and I'm still pulling. Instead of freaking myself out over what may or may not happen, I need to just live my life and find other ways to deal with my stress ... like writing!

I've never told anyone about my trich issues before mainly because I think they wouldn't understand, but the first step to recovery is admission so here I am baring my soul once again in a blog post for all the world to see. I'm 24 years old, 5'8", 145 lbs. I've had trichotillomania since I was 12, but I'm working on it one day at a time.

Leading Lady Bo$$ Busine$$

If an image ever captured how I felt in any given moment, this would be the one. I'm trying so hard to be the woman in this photo taking charge in her stilettos and LBD, but I just feel like people are trying to trip me up and rip my dress to shreds. 

The issue is I come across as too bloody nice, and people mistake my niceness for naivete. Lately I've been noticing a lot of people trying to take advantage of my kindness. I've also noticed their surprise as I put a stop to it.

That whole "entitled generation" label the older folks like to toss around when describing my generation, I get it now. Every day I come across employees who loved what they do when they initially started doing it, but as time has passed they've become frustrated that certain conditions haven't improved. They're tired of saying something about it to their supervisors so instead they complain to one another and nothing is ever solved. Then the younger newbies like myself come in and hear the complaints of the seasoned employees. Suddenly we have second thoughts about diving into the company culture and finding our place within it.

So that image above is a reminder for me to not let others take advantage of what I have to offer. I've felt exploited before and don't need to go through that again. It's time to be the leading lady of my life and go about my boss business.

Recommitted

That quote's so me. I have a lot of stories to tell, but most of the time I feel as though I don't have anyone to tell them to. So I write. I've made it a point to become more vocal about things, but people seem to prefer listening to the sound of their own voices instead of letting me speak. I'll keep trying to not let them shut me down, but I'll continue to share my stories through the written word. 

Right now I feel very unsettled, almost slightly defeated. I thought I was on the right track, but things seem as though they're operating in reverse at the moment. Luckily I'm able to recognize that it's just that, a moment. I know that now that I've acknowledged it, it's a moment that's in the past and I must keep moving forward towards my goals. 

Before I do so, I need to come clean. Boiled down to the basics, my main issue's fear of failure. When I set out to do something, I want it done right and near perfect. Recently I got a job after being unemployed for close to 8 months. Things are going great there, but after 6 months of being unemployed I started a business with my friends. It just so happens that I got hired part-time and my business got a new client around the same time. Although the part-time job's going well, the business is still trial-and-error. Things didn't start off as well initially with the first client as we had hoped. I want so badly for this to work out, especially since this business is my passion. It's the industry I've loved since high school. It's the industry I went to college for. It's the industry I've spent the past 2 post-grad years trying to be a part of. Since trying to get hired in this industry hasn't worked out as well as I hoped in the past, starting my own business in the industry is my only option right now. I think in the back of my mind I feel if I fail at this, essentially my last resort, I have nothing else. If this business fails it will be all my fault, not my friends', because I'm the one who's been studying this industry for the past 10 years of my life. Not them, me.

All of this has led me to become unnecessarily stressed out. I thought I was getting a better handle on my stress. For the past 12 years I've had trichotillomania, and I was finally overcoming it. Unfortunately with all the stress building up, and me not allowing myself to take a break from work mode to de-stress, I've fallen prey to my bad habit once again. Honestly, I'm just glad I've taken all of this into account before my trichotillomania got really bad. Admitting all of this right now in this post is already making me feel relieved and much calmer than I have felt in weeks. 

Another sign I'm stressed out is my overeating. When I wasn't working I lost over 25 pounds mainly because I come from a low-income family and with me out of work we barely had the bare necessities. I went from a curvy size 12 down to a lean size 6. Since I've been working for about 2 months at the part-time job and on my own business, I've gained about 15 pounds back, mainly just in the past few weeks. What's surprised me the most about my weight is the change in my reaction to my body. When I was a size 12 I didn't care. I loved my body, ate what I want, and felt fit. But once I lost the weight a switch flipped in my brain. When I looked back at photos I thought I looked a bit pudgy, and looked much better without all the dead weight. I wasn't just looking at the weight loss from an aesthetic standpoint though. Internally I felt so much better. I noticed I was lighter on my feet, felt more flexible, and had tons of energy. These days since I've regained the weight I've noticed I'm not as quick, a little less flexible, and constantly feel tired. It's crazy how a couple pounds can make such a difference. It doesn't help that my diet hasn't been the greatest either for the past month. When I wasn't working, my family really had to stretch our dollars when it came to food. We tried to eat as healthy as we could and ate smaller portions of everything. Since I started working again and have more cash on hand to get what I want, I find myself overeating like food's going out of style. Maybe subconsciously I wanted my curves back to see if I'd notice a difference in how I felt in my body. Whatever the reason, I need to make better choices when it comes to food and eat healthier and in moderation. While that extra slice of ice cream cake looks amazing, that stomachache afterwards sucks.

As the title of this post suggests, I'm recommitting myself to me. I saw a quote on Pinterest earlier about being "me-sponsible" meaning being responsible to yourself for the benefit of your health, happiness, and well-being. I really need to make that my focus from this point forward. If I'm feeling stressed, there's no need for me to literally sit here and pull my hair out. I'm an intelligent young woman. I can pinpoint what's stressing me out and find ways to address the situation. I have writing outlets I can take to when I need to put something out in the open instead of keeping it bottled in. My business is made up of three people. If there's an issue, there's two other people by my side to assist. I don't have to burden myself with doing it all. That's why I formed this partnership with them in the first place. I shouldn't pressure myself into figuring out what size my body should be, or if my weight's too high or low. When I'm at the right size, I'll feel it in how my body operates. I just have to make sure I feed the machine the right fuel. I must also get more sleep because I haven't had a good night's rest in about a month. 

So now that I've officially come clean and recommitted myself to being "me-sponsible", I'm off to bed. Good night.