This whole idea of loving yourself has come to me many times over the past year, maybe even the past few years, but I never really thought about it until tonight. "Why is this night different from all other nights?" as my Kindergarten self once asked in a Last Supper play. Tonight I picked up Jennifer Lopez's book "True Love" and read it cover to cover. It's so insightful and inspiring. As I read J.Lo's words, I wondered, "do I truly love myself?"
Now I'll be honest here. I think I do, but looking back on past behaviours of mine like my hair pulling, at times I just don't. Jennifer mentioned a lot of her journey to loving herself involved forgiving herself for beating herself up in the quest for perfection and making the same mistake time and time again in her relationships because she wasn't fully in tune with herself. After she finally hit rock bottom she was able to build herself back up again to become the strong and powerful woman, mother, and artist we see her as today.
I've hit rock bottom before, actually it was exactly 3 years ago next week. That's when I was fired from my dream job leaving me with nothing but struggle for the 7 months that followed. I did so much self-reflection at the time and learned a lot about myself. I thought I was building myself up for a comeback. When I finally got a job I thought I was all set. In the two years that have passed, however, I think I've been slowly knocked back down again, maybe not to rock bottom, but somewhere near the bottom.
I was grateful for my job when I first got it. I was able to pay off back bills, pay my current bills on time, and get back to paying off my college loans again. I'm a hard worker so they made me a salaried employee and even gave me a raise. But something's missing, badly. I crave creativity. I crave excitement. Being an admin in my office is neither of those things. Work can't just be about getting a paycheck so I can pay bills. I need to enjoy what I'm doing. Instead I often find myself in a negative environment surrounded by rude bosses, entitled customers, and frustrated coworkers.
I need a change, and loving myself, truly loving myself, is definitely a place to start. I want to be a woman of integrity who doesn't let anyone knock her down. I want to be someone who gets to do creative work and is recognized for her talents. I want to forgive myself for anything I've done in the past and move on to a better future. I think even just declaring this on my blog is a start in the right direction.
Today marks the beginning of the last two weeks of 2014 and the start of winter. I want to live the last two weeks of 2014 like how I want to live in 2015. I want to use this winter as an interim of sorts as I cocoon myself in positive thoughts and actions so I can emerge a spring butterfly on her way to greater things. Ámate. That's what it's all about.
