That quote's so me. I have a lot of stories to tell, but most of the time I feel as though I don't have anyone to tell them to. So I write. I've made it a point to become more vocal about things, but people seem to prefer listening to the sound of their own voices instead of letting me speak. I'll keep trying to not let them shut me down, but I'll continue to share my stories through the written word.
Right now I feel very unsettled, almost slightly defeated. I thought I was on the right track, but things seem as though they're operating in reverse at the moment. Luckily I'm able to recognize that it's just that, a moment. I know that now that I've acknowledged it, it's a moment that's in the past and I must keep moving forward towards my goals.
Before I do so, I need to come clean. Boiled down to the basics, my main issue's fear of failure. When I set out to do something, I want it done right and near perfect. Recently I got a job after being unemployed for close to 8 months. Things are going great there, but after 6 months of being unemployed I started a business with my friends. It just so happens that I got hired part-time and my business got a new client around the same time. Although the part-time job's going well, the business is still trial-and-error. Things didn't start off as well initially with the first client as we had hoped. I want so badly for this to work out, especially since this business is my passion. It's the industry I've loved since high school. It's the industry I went to college for. It's the industry I've spent the past 2 post-grad years trying to be a part of. Since trying to get hired in this industry hasn't worked out as well as I hoped in the past, starting my own business in the industry is my only option right now. I think in the back of my mind I feel if I fail at this, essentially my last resort, I have nothing else. If this business fails it will be all my fault, not my friends', because I'm the one who's been studying this industry for the past 10 years of my life. Not them, me.
All of this has led me to become unnecessarily stressed out. I thought I was getting a better handle on my stress. For the past 12 years I've had trichotillomania, and I was finally overcoming it. Unfortunately with all the stress building up, and me not allowing myself to take a break from work mode to de-stress, I've fallen prey to my bad habit once again. Honestly, I'm just glad I've taken all of this into account before my trichotillomania got really bad. Admitting all of this right now in this post is already making me feel relieved and much calmer than I have felt in weeks.
Another sign I'm stressed out is my overeating. When I wasn't working I lost over 25 pounds mainly because I come from a low-income family and with me out of work we barely had the bare necessities. I went from a curvy size 12 down to a lean size 6. Since I've been working for about 2 months at the part-time job and on my own business, I've gained about 15 pounds back, mainly just in the past few weeks. What's surprised me the most about my weight is the change in my reaction to my body. When I was a size 12 I didn't care. I loved my body, ate what I want, and felt fit. But once I lost the weight a switch flipped in my brain. When I looked back at photos I thought I looked a bit pudgy, and looked much better without all the dead weight. I wasn't just looking at the weight loss from an aesthetic standpoint though. Internally I felt so much better. I noticed I was lighter on my feet, felt more flexible, and had tons of energy. These days since I've regained the weight I've noticed I'm not as quick, a little less flexible, and constantly feel tired. It's crazy how a couple pounds can make such a difference. It doesn't help that my diet hasn't been the greatest either for the past month. When I wasn't working, my family really had to stretch our dollars when it came to food. We tried to eat as healthy as we could and ate smaller portions of everything. Since I started working again and have more cash on hand to get what I want, I find myself overeating like food's going out of style. Maybe subconsciously I wanted my curves back to see if I'd notice a difference in how I felt in my body. Whatever the reason, I need to make better choices when it comes to food and eat healthier and in moderation. While that extra slice of ice cream cake looks amazing, that stomachache afterwards sucks.
As the title of this post suggests, I'm recommitting myself to me. I saw a quote on Pinterest earlier about being "me-sponsible" meaning being responsible to yourself for the benefit of your health, happiness, and well-being. I really need to make that my focus from this point forward. If I'm feeling stressed, there's no need for me to literally sit here and pull my hair out. I'm an intelligent young woman. I can pinpoint what's stressing me out and find ways to address the situation. I have writing outlets I can take to when I need to put something out in the open instead of keeping it bottled in. My business is made up of three people. If there's an issue, there's two other people by my side to assist. I don't have to burden myself with doing it all. That's why I formed this partnership with them in the first place. I shouldn't pressure myself into figuring out what size my body should be, or if my weight's too high or low. When I'm at the right size, I'll feel it in how my body operates. I just have to make sure I feed the machine the right fuel. I must also get more sleep because I haven't had a good night's rest in about a month.
So now that I've officially come clean and recommitted myself to being "me-sponsible", I'm off to bed. Good night.
